Pitchman-A-Go-Go #56

A new year calls for a new bike, am I right or am I right? Of course, after Wayne's World, I always giggle when I hear the word SCHWIIINNNNNN!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Gloria Forsythe

I wonder if Gloria took the easy way out her entire life? She probably blew all of her hard earned American Seed dollars on the lottery and wound up being married to some huge sugar-daddy.

Future plans & Current intrusions.

AAAAHHHHHHHGGGHHHHHH!

Now that we have THAT outta the way, let's sit down and talk. I have plans, great plans, ya see? But time is short and real life is encroaching into blog-life. Yup, wrapping, traveling, check-book balancing, cleaning and packing are the villains of the piece (if you live in the blog-o-sphere).

What are these denizens of darkness battling? Well; JLA #199 for one, my wonderful essay on the Tragic Hex, the continuation of Cassie Wainwright saga, my further attempts to get clearance from Kraft foods to post a Pitchman-A-Go-Go that will rock the comics/cheese blogs around the world, the fantastic introduction of the DH comics calendar, and a battle royale to determine the King of the Backup Features.

All that will have to wait until '09. I do have a 'few' goodies pre-loaded for your enjoyment, but don't be dissappointed if they seem kinda lonely.

Pitchman-A-Go-Go #55

Okay, we've slogged through stupid motto sales, jumping tape animals and other dreck. Here, here is the payoff my sweet little consumers. Straight from the frozen northern slopes of Canada comes the 10-in-1 Sgt. Preston Trail-Kit.

On a side note, not many folks knew that Preston's hat could be thrown just like Odd Job's. That's one hella deadly Mountie. WORD!!!!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! David Petersen

Hmmm, I'm not sure of this testimony. "One sold over five hundred packs and earned a bicycle."? Sounds like old David was an early member of some sort of 1970 collective. Maybe they should have gotten 7 of 9 as a spokesperson. YeeeeoW!

Jonah Hex #66 "Requiem for a Coward!"

Jonah Hex #66 Nov 1982
"Requiem for a Coward!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Dick Ayers & Tony DeZuniga, art - Ross Andru, cover

Jonah comes riding into the Palomino Creek stage depot looking for a bite to eat. Without provocation, a man pulls a rifle on Jonah and tells him to dismount. While Jonah is ignoring him and riding on by, Hex is suddenly lassoed and pulled from his horse. He lands on his feet and manages to plant a big boot right into the lasso-wielder's groin. Other men join in the fight and now that the odds are 4-1, with Jonah's arms tied, Jonah succumbs to the repeated beatings that are rained down upon him. Jonah's unconscious body is taken away to Willow Bluff, where the men have a meeting with Banker Rod Webster.

Several hours later, Webster is overjoyed to learn that Jonah Hex is dead, HOWEVER, the rotten bandit that is meeting with Webster informs him that Jonah Hex is NOT dead. He and his gang are holding Hex. Since Webster was so quick to pony up $10,000 ($181,000), they thought they could get some MORE money if they killed Hex, otherwise, they would just let him go. Webster is outraged, but what can he do? He agrees to fork over another $10,000 when he has Jonah Hex's head in a gunny sack.

Meanwhile, Jonah is tied up in the blackmailer's cabin, where four men are playing poker. Jonah has learned from overhearing their leader that Rod Webster is behind all of this. While the men aren't watching, Jonah rolls a flaming log out of the fireplace and burns through the ropes holding his hands behind his back. He unties his feet, grabs his pigsticker from his jacket and quickly delivers it into the throat of the first guy that notices the escape. Hex grabs a rafter to swing from it and catapult himself into the three remaining kidnappers.

Once they are down, he grabs his pistols from a nearby hook only to learn that they are empty of bullets. Discretion being the better part of valor, Jonah dives through a window, escaping a hail of gunfire. Jonah mounts up and routes their horses so they can't follow him.

Several hours later in Willow Bluff, Rod Webster is locking up the bank only to discover Jonah Hex standing behind him. Webster practically wets himself in fear. Jonah Hex explains that he has mellowed somewhat over the years and will give Webster until noon to pack up and leave town. Rod Webster hot foots it home.

At his house, Webster has explained the entire situation to his wife, Stella. Stella wants to be very sure what Webster is asking her to do. Webster wants her to put on a sexy low cut dress, some perfume and see if she can 'persuade' Jonah Hex to leave town and leave Webster alone. Stella cites the fact that she only married Webster for money and since he has kept up HIS end of the bargain, she'll give it her best shot, even though the thought of it makes her sick.

Back at Hex's hotel room, he is looking once again at the photo of he and Cassie and he has a...

FLASHBACK: Cassie is skinny-dipping is a river when Jonah suddenly appears on the bank. Jonah teasingly starts undressing and eventually he is in his birthday suit and wades into the water. Despite Cassie's faltering protests, they come together in the river, embrace and..

END OF FLASHBACK!!!!!!
Whew! that was close! We almost got a NSFW rating on this blog. Whew!

Anyway, someone is pounding on Jonah's hotel room door. Jonah opens the door to find Stella Webster, vamping and slowly disrobing as she saunters into his room. Stella introduces herself and says that she would be happy to 'trade' whatever Hex wants for letting her husband go free. Jonah swiftly manhandles her out of the room, saying that he has a name for a man that sends a woman to transact business for him and 'town banker' ain't it.

Back at the Webster household, Stella sulks into the living room, stating that Hex turned her down cold (something I don't think has ever happened to her before). She then states that she wishes that he hadn't because he is more a man than Webster will ever be. With insult added to injury, Webster storms out of the house and over to the cabin of his hired thugs.

At the cabin, Webster DEMANDS that they kill Hex and he won't pay them any more money. The leader agrees to the demands, adding his own. Webster will have to let them clean out the bank vault. Webster explodes.

The next morning, Jonah is trying to choke down his breakfast when the mayor comes in saying that Hex has to help him. The mayor explains that the bank is being robbed and Jonah states that it's a good thing he doesn't have any money in that bank. The mayor corrects him, stating that the town council has a standing reward of $2,500 on anyone trying to rob the bank. Jonah multiplies that by four in his head and is immediately out the door.

Inside the bank, the robbers and Webster are waiting for Hex to show up. The leader decides that they better get going before Hex gets there and when Webster realizes that he has been double-crossed again, they pistol whip him to the floor. The four robbers hightail it outta the bank, but Jonah jumps from the bank room, flattening all of them. He grabs one of them, throwing into the others, but the gang leader recovers and draws on Jonah.

As the leader pulls the hammer back on his pistol, Jonah draws and shoots him dead. Webster comes staggering out of the bank, thanking Hex for stopping the robbery, but the surviving gang members are having none of his bull. They spill the beans on how Webster hired them to kill Hex and that the bank robbery was their payment for doing so.

By now the whole town is in the street and Webster is screaming his innocence. Hex says that he's pretty sorry that he can't hang around to see Webster hang for his crime and starts walking off. Webster grabs a dropped rifle and gets a shot off, hitting Hex in the right arm. Jonah spins and pulls his pistol left handed. Webster screams and drops to the ground, begging for his life. Hex heads for his horse.

Just then Stella Webster stops Hex in the street and offers to bandage his arm. Jonah notes that she isn't GIVING him that handkerchief and she acknowledges that she want something in return...

And Jonah Hex rides off.

Statistics for this Issue
Men Killed by Jonah - 2
Running Total - 370
Jonah's Injuries - Beat up and shot in right arm
Timeline - Just like last issue, this is 15 years after 1859, so we are squarely in 1874. No mention of Mei Ling, just Cassie Wainwright, so this is pre-marriage. Got that? Pre-marriage. 1874. UPDATE: This is 1877.

The story? Hot DAMN this was a good one. Webster was such a coward and in the end he got what he deserved, kneeling in the middle of town, disgraced as a man, a banker, a citizen, and as a human. He would have been better off dead, but the town will handle that for him. I would have liked to have seen Stella Webster show up in the books later on, but her one appearance was very, very noteworthy. And I feel that Jonah giving her what she wanted in the end, was more intended to hurt her husband than to fulfill her fantasy.

Next Issue: A gambler's luck runs out, another face on the photo is tracked down, and the final fate of Cassie Wainwright is revealed.

Pitchman-A-Go-Go #54

uh, I'm totally stumped by this one but the thought of having my very own jumping goat does somewhat tickle my fancy.

Weekly Wonderous Moment in Comics #44

The Future is Yesterday!

Well, remember back when Superman went into the future and couldn't get back? Well, Lex Luthor was wondering about that too, all the way back in 2000.







Of course, the Luthor drone eventually finds Superman after searching for a little under a million years and then......

After killing Superman, the Luthor drone spent a week in the Bahamas, sipping Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Then it went on a 1,000 year book tour selling it's new book, "I killed the Man of Steel and all I got was Eternally trapped in a hunk of metal with thousands of intergalactic murderers."

Salesmen of Yesterday!! Joel Ballenger

Ya know, the spacing on this testimony wonders if it went like this:
" I sell American Seeds.......................................................................................every year."
I wonder what year Joel finally quite selling?

Jonah Hex #65 "The Vendetta!"

Jonah Hex #65 Oct 1982
"The Vendetta!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Dick Ayers & Tony DeZungia, art - Ross Andru & Zanghal, cover

First off, the cover states "Requiem for a Coward!" but the story is "The Vendetta!" They fix that in issue #66 by putting the wrong title on that cover as well.

But to get started, Jonah Hex is riding a train and spending the time chatting with an elderly woman on her way to St. Louis. We see eight masked men on a hill over the tracks, armed with rifles. As the train passes by, the men leap onto the train. Two robbers burst into the car that Jonah is in and he rewards one of them with a nice shotgun blast to the neck! And just so the dead guy's buddy doesn't feel left out, Jonah gives him one to the chest.

The other robbers, hearing the shotgun blasts, realizes that something has gone wrong, so after grabbing the mail bags, they hightail it. Jonah unloads his horse that was also on the train and realizing that he is losing daylight fast, decides to head into a nearby town and get some sleep before tracking the bandits.

Meanwhile, in that aforementioned town called Clearwater Springs, Sheriff Barstow is commencing with the monthly shakedown of the local business owners. The sheriff charges $30 a month for 'protection' from bandits because the county doesn't pay him near enough. While Barstow is walking down the street, counting his cash, he notices a newcomer to town.

It's Jonah Hex, older and all scarred up, but still Jonah Hex. Barstow panicks and starts to leave town, but then has a better idea. He decides to see if Jonah is just passing through and not looking to settle a score from 15 years ago. Barstow sends a telegram to Rod Webster to see if he can get some help.

Out in the street, Jonah walk past two boys fighting. The shorter of the two is defending the honor of a small girl (the bigger kid called her a name) and of course, the shorter kid knows what time it is because he is getting his clock cleaned. Jonah steps in to break up the fight, just as the big kid's dad shows up. The guy is a huge moose that ends up taking a swing at Jonah. Jonah reciprocates and smacks the guy right into a horse trough.

Barstow ends up running into the jail where is deputies are finishing the local shakedown. They ask why he looks scared and Barstow starts explaining about Jonah Hex. He produces a photograph of several men and a lovely woman. The woman is Cassie Wainwright, daughter of Col. Marcus Wainwright and Jonah was a scout for the army back in 1859. The deputies wonder why Jonah is their problem and Barstow says that their sweet shakedown racket will come to an end if they don't get rid of Hex.

The next morning, Jonah has returned to tracking the train robbers and he finds them in some old Indian cliff dwellings. He locates a rope and manages to slide down to the dwellings without the rope breaking (even though he mentioned the terrible possibility). Jonah kills the two sentrys and is working his way through the buildings when overhears the robbers splitting up the loot, setting aside a share for Sheriff Walt Barstow, to pay for his protection.


Jonah is amazed that it could possibly be the same man that he knows from years ago. He is not too amazed to bust in on the four remaining robbers, subdue them and that them into captivity. Jonah decides that he should take the robbers to a different town, just in case Barstow is who Jonah thinks he is.

That night, Hex heads to Clearwater Springs and breaks into the jail, riffling through the sheriff's desk. He locates the photo and we are treated to a flashback to 1859.

FLASHBACK: Jonah is an Army scout and is spending some time with his fiancee, Cassie Wainwright, daughter of the Colonel of the fort. Cassie is heading into town to pick up her wedding dress and will be riding with the men picking up the payroll for the fort. Barstow is heading up the men heading to Portersville, a nearby town.

On the way into town, one of the other men is saying that Cassie is going to mess up the entire plan, but Barstow says that they have worked too hard for that to happen. In town, Cassie gets her dress and the men pick up the $100,000 payroll (1.8 million today, that's some well paid soldiering going on there). On the way back Cassie notices that they are not heading to the fort, but are heading into Comanche land (placing this fort in either current day Texas or Oklahoma).
She demands that they head back to the fort and Barstow punches her in the mouth to shut her up.

Cassie falls back, striking her head on the wagon, knocking herself out. One of the men see that there are Comanche scouts on the hills and they grab the contents of the strongbox and head out. They leave Cassie unconscious, despite some of the men commenting on the horrible things that Comanches do to white women. END OF FLASHBACK!

Jonah is remembering how he vowed to find those men, but the war came along and 15 years later, he was finding it kinda hard to keep a grudge going. He steps out into the street and finds he is being called out by Sheriff Barstow and two deputies.

Jonah tells the deputies that he has no truck with them and he sees no reason why they should die too. Barstow says that the three of them can kill Hex, but one of the deputies says that he has heard that Jonah Hex has killed six men at once and if Hex is offering him a chance to run away, he'll take it. Both deputies hightail it outta there in no time flat.

Barstow, facing Jonah alone, starts bargaining. Saying that a person can't carry hate for 15 years, Barstow says that he'll get on a horse and Jonah will never see him again. Besides, Hex wouldn't shoot a man in the back. Barstow jumps on a horse and rides outta town, but when he hits the end of the street, he wheels his horse around and comes gunning for Jonah, even though Hex's back is turned.

Jonah wheels, dropping to the ground and drops Barstow with two quick shots. Standing over the sheriff's corpse, Jonah spots a copy of the telegram that was sent to Rod Webster. Jonah, looking to the sky, asks Cassie if he should hunt these men down after fifteen long years. Getting no answer, he decides to get a bottle and do some thinking.

Statistics for this Issue
Men killed by Jonah - 4
Running Total - 368
Jonah's Injuries - none
Timeline - Well, Cassie was left during the robbery back in 1859 and it is 15 years later. Therefore, this is in 1874. Seems pretty safe bet since there is no mention of Mei Ling.

I really enjoyed this issue and this entire arc is one of the better ones in the 80's, right behind the China arc we just finished up. Barstow, calling his deputies cowards, turning tail & running, & finally shooting at Jonah's back was a complete exercise in cowardice itself. Hang on kids, this is gonna be a really bumpy ride.

Update 05/24/09: Due to events that happen later in this arc, this storyline does happen after the China adventure. Since the last of the China adventure was November, 1876 and there is no sign of snow in this arc, I'll start by placing this issue in March of 1877.

Next Issue: Rod Webster gets into twelve kinds of trouble and Jonah goes skinny-dipping. Yup, wet beefcake is on the menu.

House Ads #19 Tomahawk

Ya know, I had only one issue of Tomahawk, the one with the teensy Indians and the giant T-Rex. I'm gonna have to start buying these on ebay, dammit!

Pitchman-A-Go-Go #53

With the price of gas coming down, a bicycle ain't as attractive as it once was, but a beauty like this one will never go outta style.

The Brave and the Bold cartoon

Finally got to see the new Brave & Bold cartoon on Cartoon Network and I have to say that I approve. Batman is from the 60's, not campy, but has a Bat-symbol on everything. Tonight's episode featured Aquaman and he was a pompous King of the Seas and I have to admit I enjoyed it!



The best part is the opening sequence with a running montage of future guests and in case you didn't catch it, here is the best part.
Jonah Freakin' Hex and Kamandi, the last butt-kickin' boy on Earth!!

Salesmen of Yesterday!! William Wright

Obviously this guy is now in middle management in a very large corporation and all of his underlings hate his guts.

The Phantom Stranger blog

Head over to the Phantom Stranger blog for all the going's on on our good friend PS. It has lot's of Aparo goodness.

Jonah Hex #64 "The Pearl!"

Jonah Hex #64 Sept 1982
"The Pearl!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Dick Ayers & Tony DeZuniga, art - Ross Andru & Dick Giordano, cover

San Francisco, a few days since last issue. Jonah Hex is playing poker in a hotel and is having a run of bad luck. He decides that some night air might clear his head and possibly get his mind off of Mei Ling. Strolling along and turning down a hooker he suddenly hears a scream from an alleyway.

Rushing in he finds a blond woman being accosted. Jonah pulls a gun on the man but two of his friends appear and manage to shoot Jonah in the same leg that the shark gnawed on. Jonah goes down, but kills one of the men in the process. The two remaining men start to take the woman hostage, but then throw her at Jonah so they can get away.

Jonah helps her to her feet and the woman, Sharon Hilliard, starts recounting her story as they leave the alley.

Sharon, daughter of copper tycoon, Maxwell Hilliard, lives on Nob Hill, but a month ago she started seeing Ned Rankin, a young sailor. After several dates that included lip locks and touchy feely games, Ned explains that he is to be wealthy soon. He owns a giant pearl that he has hidden north of town and he is looking for a buyer. Ned explains that the pearl is the size of a hen's egg and then draws a map in the dirt for Sharon. Shortly after that, several men jumped from the shadows and beat Ned to death, Sharon managed to escape only long enough to make it to the alley where Jonah saved her.

Sharon explains that she can't go home because her father kicked her out for dating a sailor. She suggests that she stay with Jonah, but once Jonah learns that she is eighteen, he gets her a motel room next to his.

Later in the night, Jonah hears a muffled scream from Sharon's room and he charges in, killing two masked men in her room. The third is holding Sharon as a shield, but was all know how well that works.



Jonah scouts the nearby alley for any other thugs and then returns to Sharon's room. Sharon wants to reward him, proving that she is not a 'little girl'.


The next morning, Jonah decides that they should try to find the pearl and on his way to the livery, he is approached by Atkins, a man working for Maxwell Hilliard. Atkins says that Hilliard wants to meet Jonah and pulls a pistol to enforce his intentions of taking Jonah is he wants to come or not. Well, this proceeds as to be expected, with Jonah almost breaking Atkins wrist and then Jonah getting clubbed from behind.

Jonah wakes up in the Hilliard mansion, where Maxwell Hilliard explains that Sharon is an unstoppable flirt and that the story Ned told was indeed fake, cooked up by his daughter to convince her father that Ned would be worthy of his daughter. Jonah explains that the masked gunmen trying to kidnap Sharon aren't fake and takes his leave. Hilliard says that Hex is like all the rest of the men around Sharon, only interested in her father's money and a fast roll in the hay.

Back at the hotel, Sharon is waiting for Jonah when she is chloroformed and kidnapped by two masked men. Jonah shows up shortly after, finds the chloroformed rag and noticed heel marks outside the hotel where they drug Sharon away. Jonah steals a horse and rides off, following the wagon tracks that the trail led to. A half hour later, he is outside the Hilliard Copper Smelter #4.

The place is boarded up but Jonah jumps the fence and peeks inside. He sees Sharon on the floor, surrounded by three masked men, demanding the pearl. She says that she has no idea what they are talking about, then one man lowers his mask to reveal himself as Atkins! Just then someone sneaks up behind Jonah and strangles him, rendering him unconscious.

When Jonah comes to, he and Sharon are both tied down to a conveyor belt that leads into the smelting furnace. Atkins has taken Jonah's knife & guns and they start the conveyor belt. Atkins states that he and his men will be in the next room, so when Sharon is ready to talk all she has to do is scream and they will stop the belt. Now THAT has to be the dumbest thing I have heard since leaving Pablo to make sure Jonah doesn't escape a death trap! Just stay in the room to be sure they don't try anything tricky! Gah!!!!!

Anyway, Atkins leaves and Jonah tells Sharon to tell them where the pearl is. Sharon them confesses that there is no pearl which makes Jonah so mad he pulls his right arm free of the ropes, grabs a hunk of ore from a bin and throws it at the conveyor lever, turning the belt off!

In the next room, Atkins sees smoke seeping under the door and when they open the door to escape, Jonah comes swinging in on a large hook and boots the ever loving Bejesus outta the men! He delivers a quick one-two to Atkins and then rides off with Sharon. She asks if he is angry with her for inventing the story and Jonah replies that he's been around for awhile and...

Statistics for this Issue
Men Killed by Jonah - 4
Running Total - 364
Jonah's Injuries - knocked out and strangled
Timeline - Just a few days since Jonah got of the ship from China, so this one is near the end of November 1876.

Except for the rushed ending, this story wasn't too bad. I'm glad to see some continuity from the China arc and Sharon becomes another in the long line of women that have fallen for the scar-faced bounty hunter.

Next Issue: Jonah runs into some old acquaintances from his pre-Civil War days. Needless to say, they aren't happy to see him.

House Ads #18 Battle Stars

It's Blazing!!! It's Explosive!! RUN LIKE HELL CUZ THAT AIN'T A GOOD COMBO!!!
AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

By the way, did John Wayne ever ride the front of a jeep the way Sarge is doing? I THINK NOT!!!!

Pitchman-A-Go-Go #52

I'm sure that these didn't sell quite as well as American Seeds. Wait, this was the 50's. Let me rephrase that. I'm sure that these didn't have as many kids rushing out to sell them as did American Seeds. For one thing, I don't see the promise of great prizes, just cold hard cash.

Ya, know what? Getting back to blogging after almost two weeks off is tough!