Comics Cavalcade Calendar #8

Stickman throws a powerful right hook

Stickman Stories #14 Dec 1981

Jonah Hex #72 "Tarantula!"

Jonah Hex #72 May 1982
"Tarantula!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Dick Ayers & Tony DeZuniga, art - Ross Andru & Dick Giordano, cover

Jonah, disguised as El Papagayo, in order to save Emmie Lou Hartley, who has been kidnapped by the aforementioned Mexican bandit, has broken into the palace of the President of Mexico in order to steal the necklace of Queen Isabella and having gotten his hands on the necklace attempts to escape but is suddenly stopped by the palace guards. (whew!)

Jonah shouts out but then...

Ouchie!

The following afternoon the dead body of Jonah Hex/El Papagayo is laid out for viewing as an example of all those who would oppose the mighty Mexican government. The captain of the guards makes mention of the horrible scars that El Papagayo has, but chalks that up to the dangerous life of a bandit band leader.

Two men viewing the body are visibly shaken and leave rather quickly. Turns out they work for El Papagayo and rush back to tell the bandit leader what has happened. Emmy overhears and is heartbroken that Jonah is dead, but Papagayo sees it as a golden opportunity. With the Mexican government thinking that he is dead, there will be very few guards escorting the necklace back to Spain. Papagayo will swoop down like the beautiful Mexican parrot and steal the necklace!

Several nights later, the two thugs we met earlier are in the graveyard digging up the body of Jonah Hex in order to cash in on the matching Dragoons that Jonah was buried with. They finally remove the casket and break open the lid to find...



Jonah Hex has turned into a pile of STONES!!!!!

Nope, he has turned into a vengeful monkey and swinging from a tree kicks the holy living crap outta both of them. But he's not done! Jonah's fists, seeing what fun his feet had, want in on the action as well.

Jonah subdues the two thugs and then Col. Sanchez appears out of the darkness to take the men captive. The Col & Jonah are congratulating themselves on their wonderful plan to make Papagayo think that the necklace will be unguarded tomorrow and when he attempts to steal it, they shall capture Papagayo (remember the telegram that Jonah sent last issue? Good!). However, the keeper of the graveyard overhears everything and goes rushing off into town.

In town he tells an man named Emilio everything he heard in order for Emilio to ride to Papagayo and warn the bandit leader.

The next day, Hex & Sanchez are leading the troops guarding the necklace as it makes its way to the ship that will take it back to Spain. Sanchez has several hundred men riding just 10 minutes behind. Once they spot Papagayo, Sanchez will fire his pistol twice as a signal for the men to come rushing in. Just then, Sanchez's hat gets shot off his head.

Papagayo and his men are on a hill overlooking the small wagon carrying the necklace. He shouts down that he knows all about the plan and if any signals are attempted, Sanchez will be dead. Papagayo shouts that he has his own bag of tricks and has his men produce that bag. He cuts the bag open and out tumbles Emmy Lou, bound hand and foot. Now, Papagayo makes his demands. Hex must bring the necklace to Papagayo or Emmy gets a bullet in the head.

Jonah quickly clubs Sanchez unconscious and draws on the wagon guards. He takes the strongbox, unlocks it and grabs the necklace. Papagayo and his men ride off with Emmy, leaving Jonah with the necklace to follow.

An hour later, the bandit reigns in his horse at a covered pit. Jonah is clubbed unconscious and tied up then he and Emmy are lowered into the pit. Just as Jonah comes to, Papagayo orders a huge basket of tarantulas dumped into the pit then he and his men ride off.

Back in the spider filled pit, Jonah tells Emmy to cut her ropes on his spurs. She keeps working until she is free, unties herself and Jonah and then promptly feints. Jonah tosses her over his shoulder and climbs out of the pit.

Later that night, Papagayo and his men are talking about having left Jonah & Emmy to starve. Papagayo mentions that he will be missing the battle of wits with Hex. Just then a lookout returns to the campfire but it is really JONAH HEX!!!!. Jonah pistol whips Papagayo and turns him in to Col Sanchez.

The next afternoon, Col Sanchez thanks Jonah for returning the necklace and Emmy gets a new bonnet. Then, in an unexpected turn of events...

El Papagayo breaks the fourth wall!!!

Statistics for this issue
Men Killed by Jonah - 0
Running Total - 385
Jonah's Injuries - Knocked unconscious.
Timeline - This one covers two days + "several days". Let's call it a week. By the end of this one we are probably into Dec 1877

I did like this one. Jonah's death, complete with a Wilhelm Scream, was an agonizing ballet of death dancing, the likes I had never seen before. El Papagayo was a wonderful villain but when is he going to learn to shoot Jonah and be done with it? I didn't care for Emmy fainting, it seemed like Fleisher didn't want to write dialogue for her, so he just had her pass out. The ending was very abrupt and then that weird last panel. Oooooooo, Papagayo is talking directly to MEEEEE. (At least, he didn't get his finger blown off whilst pointing at me.)

And how can you NOT love a book that has this???



Next Issue: The most Gawd-awful Jonah Hex story ever penned. And that includes all of the Justice League crossovers.

Pitchman-A-Go-Go #67

"45 actual photographs show you where to put your fingers!"

wow
How many other items can you sell with a tagline like that? And forget those silly little things like pitch and rhythm, you don't need 'em.

Comics Cavalcade Calendar #7

Tycoon Bill Faint stows away on the ill-fated Mars-Lab rather than Nurse Destiny

How 'Bout...? (Tycoon Bill Faint Stows Away on the Ill-Fated Mars-Lab Rather Than Nurse Destiny) #132 Feb 1987

Jonah Hex # 71 "The Masquerade!"

Jonah Hex #71 April 1983
"The Masquerade!"
Michael Fleisher, story - Dick Ayers & Tony DeZuniga, art - Ross Andru & Dick Giordano, cover

There's Jason standing high atop the boulder, he and his three thugs having gotten the drop on Jonah, Emmy, Tim and Daniels. Jason is sick and tired of his old man giving all of the inheritance away on silly charities. Jonah speaks up and says that he hates to break up the family reunion but he has to get going and that Jason should step aside or...

Jason, stupidly replies "Or what?"

Jonah answers back...

Jason dives behind a rock and opens fire, clipping his dad in the head. Daniels is down (but not dead) and Jonah and Emmy are pinned behind a rock. Jonah gets a bright idea and.. well, I"ll just show ya.

After that, Jonah saddles up to go stop the Manitou. Shortly he spots the Manitou and his Mani-thugs on the cliff planting the dynamite. Jonah dismounts and then catches a slug on the right thigh, cleverly placed there by a Mani-lookout. Jonah, being one to never receive a gift without returning the favor, sends two bullets into the Mani-lookout, causing him to double over (thus creating a Mani-fold) and fall out of his Mani-lookout tree.

Manitou hears the gunfire but continues his rant about leading the Indians against the white man and also continues planting the dynamite.

Jonah is trying to figure out how he's gonna sneak up on the crazy Indians with a bum leg but just then Daniels rides up. Yup, Daniels, his head professionally bandaged by Emmy, has grabbed a horse and found Hex. He tells Hex that he hasn't had any peace since the death of Cassie Wainwright and this is his one chance to atone for his sins. Daniels jumps up and runs off to remove the dynamite.

Meanwhile, Manitou and two of his Mani-thugs are heading for the detonator. They turn and see Daniels running for the dynamite and the thugs head back to stop him. During the fight Daniels is kicked in the head and then double-fist clubbed in the noggin. The Manitou panics and realizes that he has to detonate the charge now. He lunges for the plunger but Daniels is able to get himself, the dynamite and the two thugs over the edge of the cliff before it explodes, thus ruining the Manitous's mani-plans.

Meanwhile, Jonah has worked his way up the cliff and gets the drop on the crazed Indian would-be leader. Jonah and Emmy wave goodbye to Tim Daniels and take the saboteurs into town. The end.

WAAAAAIIIT!! We're only on page 10!!!!

The next morning, in town, Jonah is heading to see the doc while Emmy gets them a room at the hotel. Walking through town, Jonah thinks he sees Mei Ling and runs over to her, only to realize his mistake. He gets to thinking that he isn't really over Mei Ling and that he is leaning on Emmy for emotional support. Something that he has to stop doing.

After seeing the doc, Jonah heads back to the hotel to find their room empty. Jonah inquires at the front desk and learns that Emmy left with 'two Mexican gentlemen' and they left a note. In the note?

Now Jonah is heading to Mexico to find El Papgayo, last seen way back when Jonah was fighting off the Fort Charlotte Brigade. Jonah rides into town and contemplates on the telegram that he sent Col Sanchez, hoping he gets it in time. Jonah takes a seat in the Punta Del Rojo Cantina (I thought it was the PUTA Del Rojo which means Red Whore. My bad). He waits about an hour until three men approach him and threaten to kill him. Stupidly they didn't realize you don't threaten to kill Jonah Hex, you just kill him. But....

Just the El Papgayo walks in and tells Jonah that he tried to stop these men, but kids are so stupid these days. Down to business, Papgayo explains that in order to get Emmy back, Jonah will have to do a favor for Papgayo.

On the ride back to El Papgayo's lair, Papgayo explains that the Mexican government has started cracking down on renegade bandits. However, in one week, President Diaz is having a huge party in the palace in Mexico City and the Spanish Ambassador is bringing a necklace worn by Queen Isabella herself. Papgayo intends on stealing it but knows that the palace would be heavily guarded. He plans on having Hex steal the necklace BUT so that everyone won't think that Papgayo is a coward, Hex will be disguised as El Papgayo when he commits the crime.

A week later, Jonah is in Mexico City, outside the palace. He works his way over the wall and knocks out two guards. Then he slides down a rope off the roof of the palace, right into the party. He grabs the necklace from the neck of the President's wife and heads out the front door. Just as he is about to mount up and ride off.....

Statistics for this Issue
Men Killed by Jonah - 7
Running Total - 385
Jonah's Injuries - Shot in right thigh
Timeline - This one covers about 8 days. The pacing is weird with one arc ending in the middle of the book and another starting right there. Fleisher did this for several issues, I think to boost readership or at least loyalty. Nov of 1877

Next Issue: The death of both Jonah Hex & El Papgayo. It's a two-fer!

Pitchman-A-Go-Go #66

HAIR KILLING GERMS!!!!!! SENT ON APPROVAL! (whatever the heck THAT means!) IT'S SCIENCE!!!!

More Jonah Hex movie news

and this it is pretty and it ain't at the same time:

Transformers " hottie Megan Fox is taking her career to Western and underwater frontiers.

Fox is in final negotiations to join Josh Brolin and John Malkovich in "Jonah Hex," Warner Bros.' action Western based on the DC Comics character . She also is attached to star in and develop "Fathom," Fox Atomic 's comic book-based underwater adventure .

In "Hex," Fox will play Leila, a gun-wielding beauty and love interest of Hex (Brolin), a scarred bounty hunter tracking a voodoo practitioner (Malkovich) who wants to raise an army of undead to liberate the South. The movie is preparing for a shoot in April, with Jimmy Hayward directing.

This means that not only are they going with the Vertigo idea, they are jumping back to a crappy script from 1997. Yippee, give us something from 12 years ago. This kinds conflict with Malkovich being Turnbull, but it's Hollywood, so Turnbull is probably a voodoo daddy now.

I'm gonna go throw up now.