Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #5 "Showdown"

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #5 Oct 1993

"Showdown"
Joe E. Lansdale, story - Tim Truman and Sam Glanzman, art and cover

Well, after quite some time (and a little prompting from a certain fangirl) I decided that I HAVE to finish this series, along with the rest of the Vertigo Hex.  If you need a recap, you can read
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Okay, up to speed? Good. When we last left Jonah, he was in a huge depression in the desert with some soldiers that had been escorting Doc Williams and his band of goons. Now everybody is pinned down by a bunch of rampaging Apaches.

The story starts off with a young Apache child, clutching to a doll, smiling as his dad rubs his head and walks away... to kill all those people in the desert. The Apaches have our 'heroes' pinned down and it is pretty much a shooting gallery with a lot of internal exposition by Jonah himself. Zombie Wild Bill Hickok is standing tall and proud, pulling the triggers endlessly on his six-shooters. Of course, once he is out of bullets, he is pretty ineffectual until Jonah shouts at him to reload. This he does, and starts shooting again.

Eventually there is a lull in the attack and we get to meet the Sarge in charge of this cavalry. The Sarge explains that his men were escorting Williams and his band to protect them from Indians (how THAT came about, we don't learn). Sarge says that without Hex's fine shooting and that strange fella who never misses (except when he runs out of bullets), they would have been goners.

The sun starts to set and Sarge asks if Jonah knows Doc and the freaks. Jonah replies that they were in the church choir together and later they're gonna have a come-to-Jesus- meeting. Sarge says that he would appreciate they hold off on getting religion until AFTER they get out of this hole. As it starts to get dark, smoke rises from beyond a nearby ridge as the Apaches start cooking up the fallen horses of the cavalry. Sarge offers Jonah some chaw and then tries to catch some sleep.

Jonah heads over to talk to Doc (who is taking a dump with Wild Bill wiping Doc's bum). Jonah asks if Doc remembers him and the crazy doctor says that he must be hallucinating, he saw Hex go into the river. Jonah  replies that he has a strong stomach and that if the Apaches don't finish off the Doc, Jonah will and since he doesn't know if this band of freaks is alive or dead, he'll teach them dead one more time just to be sure.

Night falls, and under cover of darkness (I always wanted to use that line), the Apache move in. As the Indians get to edge of the hole, gunfire erupts and as the clouds pull away from the moon, we find Doc Williams in his repaired wagon with Stringbean and the Fat Lady pulling it away, Wild Bill shooting out the back and Pumpkin Dwarf trying to repair a wheel.

As the wagon pulls away into the inky blackness, the Apaches close in on the remaining men in the hole. It devolves into hand to hand combat and Jonah and the Sarge manage to make their way out of the hole and onto higher ground. Hex shoots and Indian off his horse and jumps aboard. The Sarge says that he can't leave his command but Jonah reminds him that his command are all dead.

Seeing things in a new light, the Sarge jumps on behind Jonah but manages to get shot in the posterior in the process. They ride until the horse collapses, sometime into the morning, and they are holed up behind some rocks. However, the dust on the horizon indicate that the Apache are closing in. Sarge tells Jonah to leave him but Jonah won't hear of it. Then the Sarge forces Jonah's hand by taking his own life at the end of his pistol.

Jonah realizes that time is short but his horse is almost played out, so he lights a saddle blanket on fire and when it is full ablaze, he swings it underneath the horse to get it up and running. Throughout the rest of the day, Jonah rides the faltering stallion until it finally collapses, dead in the heat. Jonah, near death himself, slices open the horses neck and drinks its blood for sustenance.

Now on foot, what distance he had between himself and the Apaches starts to fade. Finally Jonah comes across Doc Williams Wagon of Miracle and the body of Stringbean. He continues on, seeing some smoke over the ridge and when he makes his way through the rocks he finds...

Here is where I threw up my hands with this series. I understand now that this was supposed to be a horror comic with Jonah wedged inside and I get how Vertigo is all edgy and harsh-toned, but this pushed me over the line.

Jonah finds.... Pumpkin Tom, dead, hanging upside down from a tree over the camp of Doc Williams. Zombie Bill stands by the fire as the Doc tends to the roasting torso of the Fat Lady. We even get to watch the good Doc slice off a piece and bite into it with his fanged teeth.

Hex breaks in to the little 'party' and the Doc orders Hickok to gun down Hex. What transpires next is probably the best dang part of all five issues as the red soulless eyes of Zombie Hickok stare into the brown soulless eyes of Jonah Hex and finally both men fire.

 Hex, however literally bends over backwards as Hickok's bullets sail over his head and Jonah returns fire, right square into the zombie's eyes. That, however, isn't enough to stop Hickok as he continues the pull the triggers on both pistols until he finally topples over dead... for the second time.

Doc Williams falls to the ground, begging for his life. Jonah states that he won't kill the Doc, he will let the Apaches do that work. Jonah calmly aims his pistol and blows away one of the Doc's kneecaps. Doc starts crying that Jonah promised not to kill him. Jonah replies that he is just helping out the Apache and then shoots out the other kneecap.

Jonah reminds the Doc that since the Apache have a live victim, his death will probably last 3-4 days tops and then Jonah sneaks off into the hills. The Apache advance slowly until they realize how helpless their quarry actually is and then they descend quickly, with years of pent-up hate driving them forward.

Quite some time later Hex is in a saloon, quietly drinking a toast to the dead Doctor. A couple of men at a nearby table recognize Hex and decide to collect the reward being offered in in Texas. As they easily advance upon him, Jonah suddenly pivots on his heal and shoots both men dead. Jonah lights his cigar, asks "Anyone else?" and upon receiving several negative responses, exits the saloon and rides off.

Statistics for This Issue
Men Killed By Jonah - Wow, this is gonna be a hard one. There were soooo many Apache, so let's tally up how many shots we see fired and the actual dying Indians. I count about 16. This is my blog, so I go with 16. Plus the two guys in the saloon will make the total 18.
Running Total - 627 (432 past, 55 future, 33 Vertigo, 117 V2)
Jonah's Injuries - None
Timeline - This issue covers several days.

Once again, this is a Vertigo title, so they do their best to be 'edgy' showing us people defecating and then actually eating the roasting torso of a dead woman. That is the main reason I discount these stories so much. They are too over the top just for the sake of trying to be over the top. Bleh, I don't need that junk.

I did like the story with the odd alliance in the hole, Jonah's relationship with the Sarge and the final showdown between Jonah and Hickok.

Rereading this story made me realize that Neveldine & Taylor, those two men who got paid for the Jonah Hex movie script, were influenced by the Lansdale Hex rather than the Fleisher Hex. They even had a scene from this book in their script (Waving a burning blanket under the horse).

Well, I made it through and I have to admit, it was easier than a colonoscopy. With that said, I think I will jump into the second Vertigo series because I think there are some hidden gems in there to be mined.

I will also continue on with Volume two of Jonah Hex as well. I need to get cracking to catch up with the current series.

Next: I realize that I skipped issue 18, so I head back and face the bear.

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #4 "Vendetta Times Two"

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #4 Nov 1993
"Vendetta Times Two"
Joe E. Lansdale, story - Tim Truman and Sam Glanzman, art and cover

Night- 30 Miles West of Nacogdoches Texas. Doc Williams slices noses and ears from the corpses he has, mixes various liquids into a bowl, dumps in several powders, and then, while invoking the Dark Elder Gods, he urinates into the mixture. Then he spits into the bowl, strikes a match and touches it to the bowl, resulting in an explosion powerful enough to knock Williams off his feet.

The pumpkin-headed midget gathers up the brew and they take it over to the barrel containing Jonah Hex. Williams takes a hose hooked to a funnel and shoves it into Jonah's mouth while expounding on how he learned the recipe to zombie-juice in Haiti (or maybe Texas?!?). The mixture is dumped into the funnel and it slides its way into Jonah's gullet. The bowl empty, Williams has the barrel resealed and we learn that Hex has been playing possum. Hex quickly shoves a finger down his throat so he can vomit up as much of the horrible bile as he can.

The barrel containing Jonah is strapped to the wagon and Williams tells Hex that he will be a mindless automaton by tomorrow night. During the night the wagon continues on its travels, Jonah sliding in and out of consciousness.

Next morning, Williams opens the barrel to see how Jonah is doing, but Jonah isn't entirely 'pickled' yet. Williams starts to gloat and asks Jonah if he knows who shot Slow Go, WILD BILL HICKOK!! That's who!! Williams relates how he traveled to Deadwood, South Dakota in 1876. He had just come from Haiti and had not yet purchased his wagon in New Orleans. He was wanting to study how Indians conjured up storms and he runs into Hickok in a saloon.

Hickok, however, isn't impressed with Williams and literally boots the "Doc" out the door and into the mud. It was then that Williams swore vengeance, however, it was Jack McCall that stole that delight from Williams. But the Doctor was not easily deterred and that night dug up the body of Hickok and discovered that even though he was shot in the head, the cowboy was still alive.

That night Williams, using a book that he got from a preacher in Waco, concocts a brew and shoves it down the gullet of Hickok, turning Hickok into a mindless, obedient zombie. Time passes and Williams buys the wagon and recruits, through bribery, assault, or kidnapping, the
rest of his motley band. The 'good' Doctor then takes his sideshow on the road and learns
that Zombie Hickok never misses a shot, is very strong and agile, but, sadly, very very
RIPE!

The Doc stops his rambling and the wagon to relieve himself in the woods and while the troupe is setting up camp, Jonah takes advantage to kick a hole in the side of the barrel. However, he didn't realize the wagon was parked on the edge of a very steep hill and...

Of course, the river does help cover Jonah's tracks and provides him with a means of transportation (as well as a meal in the form of raw rattlesnake). Jonah ends up clinging to a log and washing up on shore some unknown distance and time later. He is found by a farmer and his son. They pick up the soaked and tired Hex and ask him about his scar...

Jonah stays with them a few days, regaining his strength. He is loaned a horse, pistols and some cash and told that his face is on some wanted posters. Jonah rides off and ends up in Lubbock where he finds several fliers for the Wagon of Miracles. He also finds a cowboy wanting to make some quick cash by bringing him in. That ends in the way that we have come to expect. However, Hex is not catching up to the Miracle Wagon and tracks them across Texas and into New Mexico.

Out in the desert he comes upon some Apaches who are torturing a black Union soldier.  Jonah takes careful aim and shoots the soldier in the head, ending his misery, but inflaming the anger of the Indians who take out after him. Jonah ends up killing a few, but they eventually shoot his horse out from under him. Jonah holes up and gets surrounded but one mounted Indian gets too brave and Jonah takes advantage of it....

Jonah is once again making a run for it and turns the wrong way into a canyon, again getting a horse killed. He slides face first down a hillside and ends up...

Jonah, Williams and the freaks, and a Union Calvary are in a hole in the desert, surrounded by angry Apaches.

Statistics for This Issue

Men Killed by Jonah - 6
Running Total - 502 (432 past, 55 future, 15 Vertigo)
Jonah's Injuries - 'Pickled' and falls off cliff
Timeline - Unknown how long this issue takes, but I'll toss out a couple of weeks, just for grins.

This issue is almost like two books. The first is the dark rantings of Doc Williams (which I don't really enjoy) and once Jonah escapes we're back to the tracking and rough/tumble/shooting ways of Hex the bounty hunter. Needless to say, I enjoyed the second half of the book more. I'm actually looking forward to...

Next Issue: The final stand-off and the Disgust-O-Meter pegs out at 11!!

because we get a LOT of shooting and an end to this mess...... for now.

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #3 "The Resurrectionist"

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #3 Oct 1993
"The Resurrectionist"
Joe E. Lansdale, story - Tim Truman and Sam Glanzman, art and cover

The posse is hot on Jonah's trail and the Indian girl riding behind him isn't faring so well from being shot. Jonah jumps from the horse up into some nearby trees and takes cover. waiting for the posse to ride past. He drops out of the tree behind the last rider, blows his head off with a rifle, lands on the horse and unloads his pistol into the old lady and another rider. A fourth wheels his horse around and fires at Jonah several times. Jonah returns fire twice, literally shooting out the man's eyes. Just for good measure, Jonah tramples him with the horse.

Jonah finally catches up with his horse and the girl, only to find her in a meadow, dead. Jonah, in a telling tone for this entire series (and possibly his life), notes...

Night falls and the rest of the posse, finding the slaughtered townsfolk, call off their search and head back to town. Jonah then builds a burial stand for the Indian girl and heads back to town to see what he can learn in the dark. What he does learn is that the town has taken care of Slow Go by tossing him onto a garbage pile.

Jonah pulls Slow out of the trash, lifts him onto the back of his horse, ties him down and leaves town, but not before setting fire to the gallows.

The next morning, Jonah and Slow pass by a walking reverend, who is startled by the dead body of Slow. Jonah takes time to stop and throw a tarp over the corpse and rides on to the next town. Darkness starts to fall as Jonah enters the town, he hides Slow and decides to ask around in the saloon. However, Jonah runs into a smart-mouth former Union veteran who gets some quick dental work via Jonah's fist. Hex asks the barkeep about who does burying in the town. The barkeep points him to the blacksmith and asks what happened to Jonah's face. Hex's reply?

Jonah meets the blacksmith, explains that Slow Go is hidden by the General Store and that he wants him buried and a marker put over him. Jonah gives payment and tells the smith that if Hex learns Slow Go isn't done proper, the next coffin in town will contain the smithy.

Jonah walks down the street and overhears a loud carnival-like spiel coming from a haphazard stage in the middle of the street. It's Doc "Cross" Williams himself and his traveling freak show. Williams is touting his "Sweet Brown Tonic". Jonah sticks to the shadows and decides against just blowing all their brains out. He wants to know why they stole bodies back at the other town.

During the show, the fat lady, Ramona, drinks the tonic and does one-hand stands and flips through a burning hoop of fire. The tall man, String Bean Jones drinks some and deadlifts all 500 pounds of Ramona right over his head. Half-Pint, the midget with a pumpkin on his head juggles for the amazement of the crowd, who buys the tonic like there is no tomorrow.

Later that night, Williams' traveling troupe leaves town and Jonah follows behind. They make camp and after eating they drag out a large barrel. Williams pops off the lid, reaches inside and pulls out the zombie cowboy that shot Jonah a few days ago. Williams takes a large syringe and squirts a huge amount of a putrid liquid into the sewn up mouth of the cowboy. The cowboy sits up, draws his pistols and stands guard while the rest of the sideshow bed down for the night.

Along about midnight, Jonah sneaks his way into camp, narrowly evading the zombie cowboy. He makes his way into the wagon where he finds...

He shoves his pistol under Williams nose and demands to know the name of the weird cowboy standing guard. Williams smiles evilly and tells Hex that is none other than Wild Bill Hickok, RESURRECTED!!!

Jonah hears a noise behind him, turns to see Hickok holding both pistols on him. Quick as lightning Willliams breaks a bottle across Hex's head, knocking him out. The freak show quickly grabs Hex and stuffs HIM into a barrel and nails the lid shut as Williams announces..

Statistics for this Issue

Men killed by Jonah - 4
Running Total - 496 (432 past, 55 future, 9 Vertigo)
Jonah's injuries - Knocked out with a bottle and stuffed into a pickle barrel.
Timeline - This one covers two more days, so we are now in day 5 of Vertigo.

This issue is where the weird justs hits the ground running. Zombies I can handle, but the scene with the dead naked bodies strung up in Williams' wagon was a little too much for me. But then I have to remember that Lansdale was writing horror before he was writing westerns. I think it is an escalation of the crudity, violence, ugliness and horror that is starting to repel me. We have Jonah shooting a mans eyes out, literally (something that gets repeated in the the current Jonah Hex #64 "Lovesick"); followed by a dead man strapped to a horse; a mocking portrayal of a traveling preacher; and the hanging fetal-corpses. It was all too much, kinda like a horseradish-wasabi sandwich followed by a serrano shooter.

Next Issue: Jonah gets pickled, Williams gets away, and Bad Luck gets even, in a big big way!

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #2 "Invitation to a Hanging"

Jonah Hex: Two-Gun Mojo #2 Sept 1993
"Invitation to a Hanging"
Joe R Lansdale, story - Tim Truman and Sam Glanzman, art and cover

Slow Go Smith is sitting up in the stable, the gun-toting corpse slowly advancing, having already shot Smith once. Then a weird robed figure peeks from behind the corpse and says "Pee Pie!" in a sing-song voice. Jonah Hex is running down the darkened street when Smith realizes he is out of bullets and throws his pistol and nails the robed figure in the head.

Bloodied, the figure turns back to the darkness of the stable and shouts "Take him, Bill" and another corpse stumbles out of the shadows. Smith pulls a knife, determined to fight to the death. He throws the knife and Bill draws his pistols and catches the knife in mid-air between them. Suddenly Bill unloads both pistols into Smith.

Hex kicks in the door to the stable, sees a shadow with a pistol and plants several shots right into one of the bodies that was being used for photographs earlier in the day. Bill turns and shoots Hex, grazing his skull. The robed figure shouts for Half-Pint and Stretch and the rest to load up the stuffed boys but leave Smith and Hex because they're too fresh. A skinny giant, about 9 feet tall, a midget with a pumpkin for a head and a fat woman eating a turkey leg come into the barn, load up the bodies and then we see the Wagon of Miracles take off into the night (making the robed figure, Doc "Cross" Williams).

Hex comes to and walks over to the dying Smith. They have an exchange where Smith asks Hex to kill the bastards that killed him. Hex says that he has a personal vendetta against them because he accidentally shot a corpse. Smith dies and Hex notes that he hates a fella that takes his time dying.

Of course, just then the Sheriff and the whole town show up, armed to the teeth. Hex tells them about the bodies being stole by the weird bunch but the Sheriff tells Hex to drop his guns and they'll talk about weird crap later. Hex decides he can't outgun the whole town and drops his gun and gets carted off to jail.

Hex, in jail, is telling the Sheriff that no matter how you slice it, the Sheriff's idea that Hex stole the bodies and killed Slow Go doesn't make any sense. In the end, Hex asks the Sheriff if he will be the one to collect the reward that was supposed to go to Slow Go. The Sheriff says that since HE is the one with the severed heads, He will be the one to get the money. Just then a townsfolk comes in and says that the Judge can't make it back tomorrow from Nacogdoches but he sent a note...

The town starts work on the hanging scaffold first thing in the morning with Jonah Hex sitting, biding his time in the cell. The Sheriff shows up with the undertaker to take measurements for the coffin. Outside the town is in full swing, selling all kinds of food and toys, getting ready to take photos of the hanging. Through all of the commotion, the Indian barmaid walks silently towards the jail.

She enters the jail and when the Sheriff demands to know her business, she quietly disrobes and stands before him naked. The Sheriff, not one to pass up any opportunity, strips off his pants and looks up in time to see the woman holding a pistol to his head right before she pulls the trigger. The gunfire is hidden by all of the firecrackers going off in the street. She grabs the keys and lets Jonah out of the cell. Hex thanks her and says that she would be better off coming with him.

They start to sneak out of the jail but they are spotted by the town. They mount up on a horse and the town suddenly springs to life with people intent on shooting Hex before he escapes. Hex shoots two people quick as a wink and then the fella selling postcards steps up only to meet a bullet himself. Hex then draws a bead on the photographer and shoots him as well. As Hex rides through town, the thug from the bar attempts to shoot him but nails a bystander in the head.

The bartender steps out of the saloon and shoots the Indian girl as they ride past. Hex reigns in his horse, grabs the reigns in his teeth and charges the barkeep. Jonah unloads two pistols into the barkeep as the frothing horse jumps over the blood spewing body. Hex then rides off into the distance.

The townsfolk are furious over all the dead people, the loss of their Sheriff, and the sudden cancellation of the hanging and picnic. They mount up, form a posse and head out after Hex.

Statistics for the Issue
Men Killed by Jonah - 5 that we can see.
Running Total - 492 (437 past, 55 future)
Jonah's Injuries - Bullet across the skull
Timeline - Same evening from last issue and the next day. Overall I would say we are in day three.

This one had a hellofa lot of action in it and just spun deep into the weirdness at the beginning. One thing that I didn't care for, and it will be an ongoing gripe, is the overall ugliness of the townsfolk. I don't know if it was supposed to be a comedic tone being set or what. Remember the village idiot that Hex makes Sheriff in the Jonah Hex movie? He would be a Burt Lancaster in this town. And everyone appears to be either corrupt, an idiot, or both. The series is starting to turn sour for me by the end of this issue.

Next Issue: The final fates of the Indian girl, Slow Go Smith, and Jonah Hex confronts Doc Williams.