Hex #2 "Can She Bake a Cherry Pie?"

HEX #2 Oct 1985

"Can She Bake a Cherry Pie?"
Michael Fleisher, story - Mark Texeira, art - Mark Texeira and Klaus Janson, cover

Two large US Army helicopters fly over the Viet Nam jungles in the 1960's. Several of the grunts inside are talking about several topics but mostly we get to know Winslow, the folksong playing soldier who has his guitar with him, Harris the angry black man, and Berkowitz the book nerd who is reading about wild west gunfighting. Suddenly a large blinding light appears in the sky and the lead helicopter vanishes into it. The second chopper (with our aforementioned soldiers) is also drawn into the light and suddenly appears directly above Jonah Hex on his motorcycle.

The pilots are unable to regain control of the helicopter and they crash in the Washington state desert. Two technicians that work for Reinhold Borsten see everything on a large viewscreen and notify Borsten of the accident. It seems that they inadvertantly captured two helicopters from the past instead of one. As they are displaying the scene of the wreckage, Borsten notices that Jonah Hex is on the scene and he orders that Hex be brought back to him.

At the crash site, Jonah has pulled several soldiers from the rubble. He is about to rescue some more when Harris tells him to stay back since the fuel tanks might explode. It just so happens that the three soldiers that we met are the only three to survive. Berkowitz introduces everyone but Harris isn't about to play nice nice with a white guy from the South. When Hex introduces himself, Berkowitz recognizes the name but doesn't say anything. Jonah quickly tells his story and tells them that they are outside Seattle but just then three huge rolling battle wheels come over the hill.

The machine guns that our boys are carrying do no good against the wheels, but Jonah realizes that there is a small slit in the firing dome and three slugs later there are three dead battle wheel drivers. Hex and the boys are able to commandeer one of the battle wheels (the other having crashed) and they take off across the wasteland.

Meanwhile, back at the 'Needle', Borsten is chewing out his lead commander for having failed to bring in Jonah Hex. Borsten will hear none of the commanders excuses but instead demands that 'the girl' be brought in. A woman walks in from the shadows and Borsten explains that he has a job for her and then we learn that she is STILETTA!!!

Several hours later, Hex is on his cycle with Berkowitz and Harris and Winslow are in the battle wheel. during the ride, Berkowitz verifies with Jonah that he disappeared in 1875 (LIAR!!!!). They finally decide that they are all in the future and that Borsten has the means to get them all home. They decide that they will need some bigger firepower to get in.

Winslow's father worked at a secret base outside Seattle, so they head that way, hoping there might be something leftover that they can use. They finally show up at the base and start searching some of the remaining buildings when they hear some growling. They turn and discover that the base is still guarded by robots dogs with friggin' lasers on their shoulders!!!

The robo-hounds shrug off normal firepower so Harris lobs a grenade and takes out one. Jonah leads another hound to a weak spot in the floor so that it falls through, but there is no way to stop the third one. The three Army men are trying to open a door at the end of the corridor and Hex attempts to slow down the robo-hound. The guys get the door open and are holding it for Hex but Jonah realizes that the dog is too close, if Hex gets inside the door, the hound will too. Jonah runs to the door and slams it shutting, turning to face the dog himself.

He's hoping to pull a Roy Schneider and put one bullet straight down the dog's gullet. The dog gets closer...closer, leaps and.... EXPLODES!! When the smoke clears...

Later we find the Army guys working on some sort of hovercraft that they have found and they are discussing Hex. Harris still ain't convinced that Jonah is nothing but a Confederate racist. Meanwhile, Jonah and Stiletta are outside the building making up for lost time.

Shortly they have the hovercraft functional but they still haven't solved the problem of getting inside the Needle. Stiletta explains that she can get them in, she knows the Needle like the palm of her hand. They do manage to get to the Needle and get in with no problem. Stiletta explains that there will be few guards at this time of night. Stiletta tells Hex and Harris to guard the rear while Winslow and Berkowitz follow Stiletta, who is taking point. As they are walking, we see a control room with Borsten watching a large screen that provides Stiletta's point of view.

Stiletta gets past one part of the hallway when suddenly Winslow and Berkowitz are struck by a red beam and killed. Harris goes absolutely bonkers. He starts screaming at Stiletta, accusing her of being a lying SOB just like Lyndon Johnson. Stiletta starts pleading for Hex to believe in her, but something clicks in her right eye. Then her right eye flashes red and goes dark ?!?! Harris grabs his gun and ...

Of course, Hex knocks the bejeezus outta Harris but then Harris walks over to Stiletta's corpse, reaches into her skull and pulls out her eye...her CAMERA EYE!! Harris explains that she is a robot and this whole thing is a setup.

Borsten sends in the troops to capture Hex and a huge gunfight ensues. Jonah starts to head down the corridor when he hears troops trying to outflank them but then an electric net springs up between him and Harris. Jonah manages to jump out of a window and commandeer another motorcycle, leaving Borsten's screams being heard throughout the Needle.

Statistics for this Issue

Men Killed by Jonah - This is gonna be tough in this series with how often Hex is shooting into large groups of people, but here goes - 8
Running Total - 441 (428 past, 13 future)
Jonah's Injuries - Shot in left shoulder
Timeline - This one starts immediately after last issue. Hex and the guys spend a night in the Army base and it appears to be dawn when Jonah leaves the Needle (but I doubt that). We'll just call this a day and that night. Jonah has been in the future for one whole day!!

I really enjoyed this issue. I loved Texeira's work with the forced perspective and the way he used the panels at times I could almost feel camera movement. It started expanding the supporting cast around Hex and it showed that folks were going to die in this book and that we can't really trust everything we see (Stiletta a ROBOT?!?!?). The robot dogs and the War Wheels were kinds trite (Blackhawk fought War Wheels!) but all in all this is great fun (despite Harris being an 'angry Black man'). I especially liked Stiletta standing there saying "Did'ja miss me, tiger?" like some punk-future Mary Jane Watson.

Next Issue: Jonah takes on the drug dealers and gets beat up by a guy named BLOSSOM!!!!

Hex #1 "Once Upon a Time... in the West?!?"""

Hex #1 Sept 1985
"Once Upon a Time... in the West?!?"
Michael Fleisher, story - Mark Texeira, art - Klaus Janson, cover

Jonah Hex wakes up to find himself asleep on a saloon table. He suddenly remembers Brett & Emmy Lou and then jumps up only to find them gone from the saloon. He is trying to clear his head and into the saloon strides El Papagayo. The Mexican bandit whips out his pistol and fires. Jonah dives for cover and quickly returns fire but finds that he has blown the entire top off an El Papagayo robot.

There is a sudden cut to a control room of futuristic operators monitoring Jonah Hex on a large screen.

Jonah attempts a second shot but the gun is empty and Jonah realizes that the gun is some sort of fake. He runs out of the saloon and into a futuristic corridor and he finds several armed guards rushing towards him. Jonah attempts to flee but he he is stunned by the ray-rifles the guards wield.

The guards drag Jonah into a large room with a man sitting high above at a control station.The man is Reinhold Borsten. Jonah awakens and Borsten welcomes Hex to Seattle and starts explaining that he is a student of war and all conflict. Borsten shows him holographic projections of Hannibal and the Civil War. He then displays more current history, specifically the great nuclear holocaust that has decimated the Earth. Jonah goes into an overloaded shock and passes out.

When Hex comes to, he finds himself in a large glass tube that is filling up with gas. He feels his legs going numb and grabs his pig-sticker from his jacket and uses the handle to bust his way out. Jonah is in a long room filled with hundreds of military men, all encased in the glass tubes. He finally locates a display case of pistols and he breaks the glass grabbing the guns but setting off an alarm in the process. Jonah doesn't understand what the sound is, but beats a hasty retreat nonetheless.

The alarm draws the attention of several guards, one of whom Hex shoots in the face and then Jonah's path is blocked by a force-field across a doorway (it appears to be red lightning to Jonah.) Another guard rounds the corner and Jonah grabs him and flips him into the force-field.

There are more guards coming down the corridor. When they round the corner they see Jonah crouching in the darkness and open fire, however they have been fooled into shooting their fallen comrade (upon whose head Jonah placed his Confederate hat.)

In another part of the huge compound a radioactive waste truck is leaving the facility. They get clearance from the guards and start driving across the barren wasteland and we see that Jonah is hanging underneath the truck. An alert comes across the truck's radio that there is a bounty of 2,000 soames for Hex's return. Just then the waste guy riding shotgun sees Jonah drop from underneath the truck and take off running. The truck attempts to run Hex down but he stops, spins and pumps two bullets into the workers. As the truck swerves and crashes, Hex note that the .44 tends to pull slightly to the left.

He takes off cross country, trying to figure out his situation. Remembering that Borsten mentioned Seattle, Jonah says that he has never been there, but he's heard that it has over two thousand folks in it and if he is truly in Seattle, then he has traveled over a thousand miles overnight. Jonah then stumbles upon three men threatening a blond woman. She manages to fight back but to no avail. Jonah steps in, tossing one of the men and then pulls out his pistol. Then the men allow Jonah & the girl to escape.

As they walk off she mentions that her arm is sprained and that Hex will have to drive her motorcycle. Of course, Jonah has no idea what to do and she instructs him, asking how he normally gets around and he replies "Horse."

They finally get the cycle started and get going with a fair amount of wobbling. The girl says that her name is Stiletta and asks Hex for his. She also says that he'll need to get a rado suit or the next acid storm will burn his flesh right off. Stiletta guides Hex back to her gang, the Reapers.

Once they get to the camp, Hex learns that the gang is trying to take over a water site because the last war laid waste to a majority of the clean water.Being a good hostess, Stiletta invites Jonah to dinner and then she introduces him to the leader, Falcon. Falcon invites Hex to side with them on the upcoming water war and Stiletta explains that Jonah saved her hide and then gives Hex a thank-you kiss. What Jonah doesn't know is that Stiletta is Falcon's woman.

Meanwhile, the news of Jonah's escape is being revealed to Reinhold Borsten who says that this situation needs to be rectified by the time the hardware from the Viet Nam conflict arrives.

Fifty miles from the Reapers camp, the folks that have the clean water are gearing up for the inevitable onslaught (thanks to an informer that they planted in the Reapers ranks). Of course the Reapers arrive right on schedule and by this time, Jonah has a sneaking suspicion that he has thrown his lot in with the wrong side of this fight.

The battle commences with both Jonah and Falcon having their vehicles damaged and they take shelter in a nearby building. A member of the invaded party sets the building on fire but Hex and Falcon make their escape out a back window. They both head for a hover cycle with a sidecar and as they take off it starts to rain.

Falcon mentions that it is an acid storm and that Hex will die (as he uncouples the sidecar Hex is riding in). As Hex drops to the ground, he grabs Falcon off the cycle and they both start fighting on the ground. Jonah finally beats Falcon senseless and since the acid has started burning his skin, Jonah peels the clothes off of Falcon, runs to the hover bike and jumps aboard. As Jonah starts to drive off, Falcon awakens and starts screaming for Hex to not leave him but....

Jonah drives for a short while and the rain finally stops but just then....

Statistics for this Issue

Men Killed by Jonah - 5
Running Total - 433 (428 past, 5 future)
Jonah's Injuries - None
Timeline - This story appears to happy completely within the space of one day. So far we don't know what year it is.

I really enjoyed Texeira's artwork on this one. He has a very cinematic style and he's not afraid to draw large crowds of people and the folks that he presents do each have their own stylings (facial scars, clothes, hairstyles). When I first read this I was a little miffed at how quickly Jonah took to navigating a motorcycle, but now I see that there is some wobbling depicted in the artwork. I did like that Jonah is having to re-learn who/what is right and wrong in this new world and through no fault of his own he threw in with the wrong bunch.

I did enjoy this book a lot and was pretty jazzed about the new direction that Jonah Hex found himself. Of course, I was thinking that any Jonah Hex was better than no Jonah Hex.

Next Issue: Viet Nam, robot dogs, giant wheels and the DEATH of Stilleta!!